theplainangel

Recent patterns had me thinking that if I could get a good nap, or at worst an overnight rest, I'd bounce back from a meltdown relatively quickly and may even be able to fend one off.

But after the food problem yesterday, I never quite made it back to feeling myself today. And when another, smaller food concern emerged today, I started whimpering. Then I was confronted with a phobia and literally screamed out loud. The whole house had to come help me deal with it. 

Now I'm all worked up and I still haven't cried.

Is it still there, blurring my vision and sapping my energy? Or am I finally coming down from the summer hypomania about 2 weeks late?

Or does this week just really suck?

Back in March, I started a 90-day course of an SSRI as a response to suspected Long COVID. Before I started it, I developed an ordinal chart for tracking my own "spoons" in categories that seemed important to me. I recorded my ranges under a variety of conditions (lows were mostly based on peak burnout last November, highs were mostly based on hypomanic cycles pre-COVID) and promptly forgot about it.

But I think that's a good thing. I am now 30+ days past the SSRI course and nearly a month out from my trip to NYC. And using this chart helps me focus on where things are significantly better, minutely better, or unchanged, so I can report that to my doctor. Here's a summary of the categories and my recent changes:

Push
How well can I accomplish a short but intensive physical activity, like loading a refrigerator on a dolly?
Shows some of the greatest improvement but not consistency. Still room to grow, but I'm no longer terrified that I couldn't respond to an emergency without a severe and immediate crash.

Endurance
How long can I be physically active without needing rest?
Moderate improvement, plenty of room for more.

Focus
How long can I focus on one project without needing rest?
Surprisingly no movement. "Follow-through requires intention" is still my high and "Minor difficulties with everyday tasks" is still my low.

Executive Function
How well can I make decisions and plan ahead?
Moderate improvement, room for more.

Emotional
How intense and manageable are my feelings?
No real change, but probably the one that least needed improvement. (So grateful for all the work I did on this as an adolescent.)

Transitions
How well do I navigate "transition time", i.e. shifting focus to a new activity, with or without warning?
Slight improvement, with lots of room to grow. (This one has been one of the greatest shocks to my way of life over the past year; I never used to have to think about transition time unless it was toward something unpleasant.)

Recovery (Waves)
If I expend a lot of energy, then rest, can I get some back -- i.e. a "second wave"?
Slight improvement, but was and remains my worst category. (What I do now is starting to look more like pacing, but I think there's a lot to learn and practice -- I don't think the doctor needs to hear it, but I should write about it more.)

Nutrition
Do I still need to eat a lot of protein every 3 hours (with snacks in-between) and what happens if I don't?
Moderate improvement from March, but a world better than last November the past 10+ years thanks to introducing a small but steady source of sugar into my diet. (This one probably warrants some backstory as well.)

So I guess I'll be talking to the doctor about focus and transition time, as well as reporting that nutritional and sleep adjustments seem to be helping.